“I don’t want to die”

“I don’t want to die”

Rajiv Gandhi Cancer Hospital was the last hope I had to survive my appendix cancer. The doctors have now told me there is nothing more to be done or can be done. Since then I feel like I am living each day with a dark hole inside me. Hopelessness as a state of mind is something that I don’t even wish upon my enemy. I feel like I might have to abandon my fight. I feel like my inevitable death is finally creeping upon me.

If I were not a doctor, I would have probably lived longer. My own mind has become a purveyor of my weakness. The vast knowledge I accumulated during the course of my profession tells me to give up and that this is the end. If I was a normal patient, may be my doctors could have told me to have faith, giving me that glimmer of hope and strength to fight. But my own knowledge refuses me that tiny piece of faith that might have made a difference. The disease I carry is pushing me further and further away from my existence and towards the funeral pyre with each passing day.

I am a doctor, yet my disease was diagnosed late. I came to know that my body had developed appendix cancer only after it had started spreading to other organs. My ileum (a part of the small intestine) was taken out of my abdomen as a part of my treatment, but now no further surgery can be done to put it back, due to my illness. I have undergone immunotherapy six times and chemotherapy twelve times so far. Despite this, the cancer has already spread to the liver. The doctors from India have suggested me to return home to Nepal, probably so that I have my family to hold my hand in my last few days. They tell me that the only hope left is to undergo a clinical trial treatment. But these are offered only in countries like America or Canada.

The possibility that the clinical trial might be my cure gives a little hope. With the help of that little hope it has given me, I have found the strength to submit an application to National Institute of Health for the clinical trials. I don’t know if they will accept my request. Most importantly I don’t know how I will afford the treatment. I have already spent around NRs 5 million for my treatment. I don’t have more money. I sold my property and everything that I had.

I've dedicated my life to serving in rural areas and the rural population. For around two decades I've been to various rural parts of the country to help the people. Now I hope to seek help from the government. Dr. Baburam Bhattarai had assured me to assist in my treatment. Though I appreciate the help, the NRs 500,000 I was given was barely sufficient for the treatment.

Though this is not something that I envisioned myself doing and it crumbles me inside to seek such a huge help, which I am not sure I deserve but I have to. I would request anybody and everybody who is out there who can, to support me. I want to live my life to the fullest and continue my work. I wish I had given more attention to my health for an early diagnosis. I don’t want to die leaving behind a legacy of sadness to my loved ones. And I will keep fighting. 

44 year old Dr. Chitra Prasad Sharma Wagle, is among those few doctors who served in the rural areas of Nepal during the decade long conflict and civil war. He served in rural areas of Arghakhanchi, Palpa and Pyuthan among others. 

Source: Cure Plus